johnnynotsid

My Parents

                Though I am young, I have always been a politically-minded person, partly due to growing up near the District of Columbia, and partly because I grew up in a bi-partisan household. My mother, a practicing Catholic from the mid-west, is a Democrat and my father, a non-practicing Jew from Long Island, is a Republican.

                One thing that always surprised me, though, was how my father was not like the Republicans I usually heard about. Even at the age of nine, I noticed how my Dad simply didn’t fit the usual “Republican” archetype. From ages 5-11, I grew up in a pre-dominantly liberal area of Maryland and I remember during the 2000 election hearing school friends and their parents discuss with themselves how Republicans are anti-woman, anti-gay, anti-environment, racist, Christian right-wing Bible-thumpers. That didn’t fit my dad at all.

                See, my Dad hates the idea of the proverbial “woman’s place.” He grew up with a kind but passive father and driven, vibrant mother (my late beloved Grandma Julia). My Grandmother had jobs while married in the 50’s and 60’s (and we all know how difficult that was if you were a woman back then), managed to keep a sparkling household, and was always fighting tooth and nail to encourage her children to get an education (something my father noted in his eulogy to her). My father was a Republican since he was eighteen, but that didn’t stop him from letting the example his mother set be lost on him.

                He met my mother when they were both in the army and earned his Master’s degree in Business, something he credits partly to his mom, for encouraging him, and partly to my mom, for supporting him through Grad School. He had no problem being a home-maker during the early years of my sister’s life and was always a nurturing figure in our home as well as an intimidating disciplinarian.

                My father, like I said, is a Republican, a devoted Conservative. He believes in small Government, strong national defense, and low taxes. He’s the proverbial “Roosevelt” Republican, though, not the modern mainstream definition of a Conservative. The man freaking LOVES Teddy Roosevelt. He lists some TR’s greatest accomplishments as ending child labor, starting the progressive movement, and starting the environmentalist movement as well. Among his other political heroes are John and Abigail Adams, Bobby Kennedy, and Ronald Reagan. He lists Jimmy Carter, Richard Nixon, and George W. Bush as the worst presidents we’ve ever had. And yes, he’s still a Republican. He doesn’t like Obama’s economic plan and so he didn’t vote for him. He still voted for Bush both times (sigh) and doesn’t believe in gun control or income taxes. The man hates taxes.

                Of course, you might say it’s because he’s a small-business owner that he hate taxes, but he’s been a Republican since he was packing toilet bowls to go to college. He’s always been, through and through, a member of the GOP. Oh, and he detests the modern Democratic party.

                But he’s not a right-winger. He HATES the Right Wing. He hates the Christian Right and it’s hold over the GOP. He’s terrified that if Obama doesn’t do well, Creationism is going to be taught in public schools. He for the most part can’t stand religion, especially when it interferes with politics, and he’s a big supporter of old-school Republican ideals. The guy is a hard-core environmentalist who is anal about recycling and was once almost arrested at an Earth Day demonstration when he was younger. He thinks Marijuana should be legal, much in the way liquor is, and was in opposition of the Vietnam War, as well as a supporter of the Civil Rights movement.

                But, as I said in the title, my father is also a hard-core feminist.

                First of all, through his small business, he has enabled at least six (he lost count when I asked him) women with 6-figure income. And considering that his business is mostly a part-time employer that doesn’t have many permanent hire-rees, that’s a pretty significant fraction. His business partner is a woman of color and single mom (he’s CEO and she’s President), and he employs women ALL the time. In fact, most of the people I’ve seen come to our house to work with my dad (our home serves as the main headquarters of his consulting firm) have been women. He also is the first person to encourage women to ditch dead-beat husbands (I’d elaborate, but I don’t want to expose someone else’s personal business on the web).

                Another thing is that he’s crazy about my sister and I and my parents have been pretty progressive in the way they have raised us. My dad never referred to either of us as “the pretty one” or “the smart one” and has always encouraged us to be driven and successful. One of the earliest reprimands I remember from him was to “be a lady, like a good 50’s woman.” When I scoffed at the idea of being like a “good 50’s woman,” he was quick to shut me up by telling me that it was the good 50’s women who fought for my rights. He was always happy to have daughters and was very enthusiastic in us playing sports and reading. I can’t remember a time when he wasn’t telling me to get an education and get a career and I can remember him discussing and debating politics with me as far back as the age of twelve. A few months ago, I practically lit up when he told me that it was a pity that I couldn’t vote, because he would consider my vote to be better informed than a lot of people twice my age. Considering we were taking completely opposite sides at the time, that’s saying something.

                My sister graduated from UGA Magna Cum Laude and was Cadet Commander of the ROTC and is now going to law school, passing with flying colors and getting job offers FROM THE WHITE HOUSE (sorry, I like to brag). She takes after my dad more than I do, and so many of her accomplishments bear so much resemblance to my dad and his influence on us.

                My father expects me to get a Ph.D in something and become some authority on some section of history or a social critic. Rather than refer to us as “the pretty one” and “the smart one”, he refers to my sister as “The Lethal Legal Weapon” and to me as “The Genius.” (I think “The Maniac” might be more suitable though. I’m sure he agrees most of the time.)

                Also, my dad taught us from an early age to release our inner-Buffys. “Someone hit you, hit them back!” Only, he didn’t talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer. He doesn’t like vampires.

                Now, of course, encouraging your daughters isn’t enough to call yourself a feminist. And yes, it’s great that he also is a businesswoman’s best friend, but he’s still a Republican, so how does that affect him politically? Does he contradict himself there?

                NO.

                My Dad is a member of Republicans for Life and dislikes Abstinence Education. He dislikes how welfare is set up and thinks welfare moms should be given jobs, childcare for their kids, and that dead-beat dads should be imprisoned. He thinks prostitution should be legalized so that prostitutes can be treated and protected and not enslaved by pimps. He’s also a big supporter of Gay Marriage and adoption. He knows the pay gap exists and isn’t afraid to acknowledge it. Sexism, especially supposedly acceptable sexist jokes, disgust him. He has complained to me before how  most of these politicians are not nearly as qualified as their wives and that the country would be in a better place if the wives would run instead (funny story: Before Michelle Obama alienated him with the “first time I am proud of my country” comment, he had been watching her speak and said to my mom “Why is he running instead of her?”). And, as much as he dislikes her politics (and her husband especially), he considers Hillary Clinton to be a Patriot. 

                I once asked my father if he wished he had had a son. He replied that all men fantasize about having a son, but that he likes that fact that he had daughters instead, because he considers having daughters to be “more interesting.”

                Also, my father bears another distinction which I believe makes him a true feminist: He’s happy to say he is. He is one of the few men I know who is willing to say that without even asking what I mean by the word “feminist” before answering. Heck, I don’t know many WOMEN who do that (other than my Mom, and her stories about Rosie the Riveter and a few others).

                In my opinion, I would not be the feminist or the writer, or the person I am today without my dad’s influence. His Roosevelt Republican, hard-core feminist influence.

This is a direct address to all people who use the term “feminazi” or “feminist nazi” to describe someone you don’t agree with. Because, you see, I get sick enough of all the eye-rolling at pro-woman sentiment, but this phrase makes me want to beat the shit out of the person who uses it.

By using that phrase, not only do you show your own pathetic cowardice, you also try to belittle the work, the blood sweat and tears of every woman who fought tooth and nail to acquire respect for herself as a human being. You belittle the work of the foremothers who worked so you, and/or your daughters, sisters, and mothers could vote, hold a job, be respected, acquire higher education, run for elected office and have reproductive rights.

You also take a huge shit on the pain and suffering of six million people who were killed, tortured and starved for being different. You think the Holocaust is funny? You think calling someone a “Nazi” makes you sound intelligent? Or was it tolerant?

You think it makes sense to call someone a “Nazi” because they believe in equal rights? Because they argue with you? Because they see something sexist that you, in your possible blindness, could not?

So you use the term “Nazi.” Because someone who thinks that a boyfriend locking their girlfriend in his house to control her, who thinks that rape should be punished, who thinks women should have access to reproductive health is in the same league as those who believe in ethnic “purity” and ethnic “cleansing” at any cost. You think a feminist is in the same league as the group of people who slaughtered six million people.

I understand, it’s because they disagree with you. And a Nazi is someone who takes a stand on an issue you’re uncomfortable with. That’s the proper way that word should be applied.

Anne Frank did not die so you could smear a movement that worked for social equality, she did not die for your effort to belittle a person who opposes you.

This is what Feminism looks like:

And this is what Naziism looks like:

You can’t tell the difference?

                A week or so ago I was stuck at a Borders Book Store near my school for a few hours, and, being the enthusiastic teen feminist I am, I spent a good deal of time viewing the Gender Studies section. I of course thumbed through a copy of Backlash and several books on the social views of virginity (Going to a Catholic School and being a young woman, I have a particular interest in the anti-woman ideal that is the Virgin/Whore complex, and have talked about it a lot on my blog). But one book that caught my eye in particular was called “Hating Women : America's Hostile Campaign Against the Fairer Sex” By Rabbi Schmuley Boteach. I skimmed through the summary and it seemed to be basically a commentary about the growing misogyny in Western Culture, particularly in pop culture. Now, I had recently read both of Jessica Valenti’s books and seen the third installment of the Killing Us Softly documentary series, so of course I was interested in reading more on the modern cultural view of women. Reading about it from the perspective of not only a man, but a prominent religious figure like Rabbi Boteach, seemed like an interesting opportunity.

                Now, I’m not going to claim I read the whole book, because I didn’t. I didn’t have the money on hand to buy it and I didn’t want to rip the store, publisher, or author off by reading it without paying for it. I did, however, pour over it for about an hour or so, reading large passages from the chapters and trying to get as clear a view of the book’s contents as I could. There was, of course, a lot of commentary in the book regarding the awful stereotypes presented of women in the popular media, how men are being groomed to view women, and the over-sexualization of young women in popular media and culture that I heartily agreed with, but there were passages of the book that annoyed me greatly, as a feminist and as a humanist in general. Not only was it his criticism of the feminist movement for concentrating too much on being like men and leaving behind their “natural feminine virtues” (I’m not taking this word for word), or his belief that women were respected more prior to the twentieth century (though that really got to me, but it’s a point to pick apart for another blog), but it was also his stressing of how men and women are not equal, but that women are superior beings.

                Now, I am not entirely familiar with the Rabbi, but I do know a few things about him from both his book and the web. He’s a highly regarded Orthodox Jewish Preacher, writer, radio host, teacher and academic who has won a number of awards for his work, preaching, and social and humanitarian work over the years, as well as his contributions to the Jewish community in the US and the UK. He has eight children with his wife and won the London Times’ prestigious “Preacher of the Year Award” in 1999.

                Now, in the book, he states that he has five daughters and has a great concern for women and their social standing today. He also notes the danger the women’s movement is in and seems to be mostly pro-feminist. But it was his insistence that women are superior to men that sort of bothered me.

                Of course, he stated the usual evidence of the so-called female superiority: more women do charitable work, more women attend religious services, women are more likely to be sympathetic to the troubles of others, more women excel academically… I know also that there is a belief in a number of Jewish denominations that women are the holier sex because we can bear children and are naturally more moral than men. Another idea is that man was God’s first try in creating a physical being in Its image, and that woman was God’s second, more successful, try.  I can’t remember if those religious ideas were used in the book, but I think they were.

                Anyways, that whole frame of mind got me thinking about this so-called idea that “women are better.” I know that there are people believe that one of the sexes in inherently superior, and the ones who believe women are greater will usually use a lot of the arguments Schmuley used in his book. A lot of people like that might believe that they idea that men and women are truly equal beings is based more on abstract and generous thinking than practical grounds and that acknowledging women as “superior” is beneficial to the feminist movement, but I don’t believe so at all. Really, I believe the whole idea of “women are better” is just as unrealistic (not to mention oppressive, unfair, and harmful) to not just men and women in general, but the women’s movement itself.

                I’m not just talking about how that belief just perpetuates the “man-hating” stereotype, but I’m looking at this whole “women are better” issue from a historical and practical standpoint. It’s true, have women proved to be capable of incredible deeds? Yes? Has the feminist movement shown our great power and capabilities as human beings? Yes. Women are insanely talented, capable, powerful, and amazing. But the fact is, you can say the same for men. Men have accomplished incredible things as a group. Sure, the accomplishments of women in particular bear the distinction of overcoming lack of opportunities, oppression, and various other negative odds, but that does not make the efforts of men as a group any less impressive. Sure, a lot of the great achievements of  male-dominated society had significant female influence (American Revolution, Abolition of slavery, Ministry of Jesus Christ [female funded and feminist! Check Luke 8:1-3], the Renaissance, the Enlightenment, etc), but men have still shown a lot great prowess and capabilities. Sure, they had better opportunities and better representation, not to mention more rights, resources, support, etc etc, etc, but still, a lot of incredible things came about at the hands of men. The fact is that what the feminist movement really proved besides the capabilities  and importance of women, but also the amazing power of humankind in general. We can ALL accomplish great things.

                Another important thing to take into account is that it’s not just men who do horrible things. Women are just as capable of epic asshattery as men. The Spanish Inquisition could not have happened without Isabella of Spain. Phyllis Schaffly and Anne Coulter somehow have vaginas. Bloody Mary slaughtered thousands of people in a horrible act of religious genocide. And let’s not forget the proof that a woman candidate is not necessarily a woman’s candidate: Governor Sarah Palin.

                So no, you can’t really say women are all that much better than men if you really look at it. It depends on the person, not the gender. That’s really the basis of feminism in the first place.

                But also, let’s not forget that mindset is damaging to men and women anyways. There are countless examples. One of them can in fact be found in some Jewish-themed beliefs that I mentioned earlier. The whole idea of “women being more holy” was used to oppose the scholastic education of women and girls, the reasons being that since they were already so good and close to God, they didn’t need to learn the Scripture, they knew it already. Exposing them to records of sin might spoil their pure souls (sound familiar?). Now, this is no attack on Judaism. I have the highest respect for the Jewish faith. I am referring to social customs that went out of practice centuries ago. Today, most sects of Judaism are among the most socially progressive and feminist-friendly of religious orders. I was just using that particular example as to how that idea can be damaging to the progress and rights of women.

                Another example would be The Da Vinci Code. Now, a lot of people saw this book as pretty feminist, but I didn’t in the least. Though it was nice of the book to say Mary Magdalene was not a whore and to point out the whole absurdity of the Virgin/Whore complex and examine the horrible injustices women had to face, the whole portrayal of Mary Magdalene was hardly feminist. For all it’s preaching about the sacred feminine, what the book basically did to Mary Magdalene was take her from her current status in the modern Catholic Church as “Apostle to the Apostles” and instead cast her as barefoot and pregnant. Literally. Once again, all this obsession over how much greater girls are comes down to our ability to make teh babies.

                There’s no question that women have a significantly greater amount of shit to deal with in our lives, and that we’re pretty amazing and deserve respect, but the important thing to remember is that women are people too. Just as human and important and capable as men. Trying to say we’re something so much better just in the end, dehumanizes us.