johnnynotsid

"'For me, it's a personal thing. I'm not going to comment on the way other people live their lives. That's up to them. 'Chastity is an interesting term. Wearing these rings is a private decision that we made."

Good for you actually being smart about this.
Now, if only all the parents or whatever preaching "your message" to their kids would get that, it'd be great.
[Source]

Just saw the trailor for the upcoming Woody Allen flick.




Damn. I really want to go to Spain now.

I want that sky to take me by the waist, I yield to the murky blue and purple.  I never desired the sun or the moon, they are vain and shallow whores. I’d rather have what is ignored. So I prefer the shadows to what shines as the sheets are cleaner within their beds. It is that sky with which I lay.

I am a writer, that sky is ink. It is my sustenance, my drink of choice. I give it purpose, it gives me life. I will never find a better friend.

I'm seething right now.
 To those of you who pay attention to the news, there has been a lot of controversy lately over a recent Supreme Court Ruling against a law that would give states the right to execute Child Rapists.

Yeah. They ruled against that.

Pissed yet?

But there's a cherry on top.

You see, (surprise surprise) a lot of states have been very angry about this ruling. Especially in Louisiana, where they wanted to execute a guy for raping his 8 year old daughter so viciously she required surgery. And in Oklahoma. And Texas.

And John McCain is pretty pissed about it. And Barack Obama is not happy either.

Congress vows to keep trying to pass laws allowing the death penalty for child rape. Well, on the bright side, at least next time around, they'll have a president who will sign the bill, no matter who it is.

Ok, so here's where I went from "anger that I actually could put into many, many words" to anger that just goes beyond words.

A certain quote by Texas Association Against Sexual Assault.

"Most child sexual abuse victims are abused by a family member or close family friend," the group said in a statement. "The reality is that child victims and their families don't want to be responsible for sending a grandparent, cousin or long time family friend to death row."

Wait.

WHAT???

"Responsible" for putting a family on Death Row? Really? They're the ones responsible? So they made the family member rape the kid. Right. The actual rapist is not the one responsible for their actions, the child they raped is, and their family. Totally. You know, it really is the family who is responsible for the pedophile in their family getting executed. Yeah, it's their fault. They're the ones who should be held accountable for him being punished for violating a child relative.

TOTALLY.

THE FAMILY IS RESPONSIBLE.

THE PEDOPHILE IS NOT!

Did I mention that I am not very happy about this?

[I can not believe I'm using Fox News as a Source]

PS: Don't they execute the Mentally Handicapped in Texas?

Project Beautiful Warts and All Entry #3: Moods and Habits

                In my opinion, the idea of asking a person to talk about their “Personality” is not a good one. Don’t get me wrong, I’m interested in that, majorly. But the problem is that “personality” is too general and expansive a term. Shall I tell you I’m a “happy, cheerful” person? Well, that’s really only some of the time. I’m almost always pissed off about something, even when I’m happiest. Shall I say I’m an “angry” person then? That depends. And besides, describing yourself as any of those things, Happy, cheerful, angry, cynical… That doesn’t really tell anybody much when you think about it, just that you are capable of those emotions. What is it you’re happy about? Because a “happy” person who is happy about flowers and candy has a slight difference in personality from a “happy” person who happy about murder. You see what I mean?

                People leave out lots of things when describing their personality. I’m “smart.” Um, that still doesn’t tell me much. You might be a College Professor of Mathematics but not have any idea how to work a Car Kit and think Fox News is unbiased.

                “I like sports.” What sports? Do you play them, or do you just watch them? And why do you like sports?

                So this project is not going to ask you to describe your “Personality.” We’re going to be specific. So here is this category: Moods and Habits.

                I can be an emotional roller coaster. I can be absolutely despondent and high as a kite five minutes later. However, that particular emotional sequence tends to go in the opposite direction. But there are those long stretches of time when I’m just completely mellow. Most of the time, I’m just bored. I get ticked off a lot about certain things: Petty behavior, ignorance, people who accept things too easily, stereotypical behavior, insomnia, monotony, bullshit, and when people fail to grasp things I’m talking about and try to pretend otherwise. Dude: Just tell me if you don’t get it. And don’t be an asshole about it. When I get angry, I get angry. It takes me a while to cool down. I usually try to get as angry as possible off the bat so it burns out and doesn’t stay with me too long. Thankfully this works and I can put something behind me after a few hours of being really pissed. This doesn’t always work, but it does about 95% of the time. That being said, I don’t forget when people act like shit. I don’t stay mad about it, but I remember it.

                Anger is usually my failsafe emotion when crappy things happen. I don’t like pain and sorrow and I usually try to get angry to distract me and exhaust me when pain and sorrow arrive. It doesn’t make me the most charming person alive, I’m afraid, but unfortunately when I get really sad, I wallow in it and self pity. I try not to, but it’s not easy. It’s a trap I fall into occasionally and I don’t like it. However, the anger thing has become too easy for me now and it doesn’t really solve anything. I’m still hurting. It’s just an emotion I can relate to things besides sadness.

                I loathe being vulnerable because it was how I always was as a kid. I never really stood up for myself and put myself in positions that I never should have been in as a result. Strangely enough, I often put myself in positions of vulnerability on purpose (take this project, for example), because I think I need to improve myself rather than shut things out. You may think I’m assertive or commanding, but the fact is, I often back down at the last minute and just go with what could be a real risk for me emotionally. I have trouble writing this, but strangely enough when I wrote my mental profile blog, I got scared only at certain points and while there are things I did go through with (admitting the thumb-sucking problem I had had was really hard for me), I wonder if I went through enough. But I digress.

                People think I am far more unhappy than I actually am most of the time because I have a serious look on my face often and a very firm way of saying things when I speak, can be a bit long winded and have a really loud voice. But really, it is more my motivation for getting what I say across to someone than any anger or discontent. People tend to blow words off and I figure if I am going to bother saying something, it needs to be heard and understood by whatever person I’m saying it to. The reason I’m long winded is because I often feel the need to explain as much as possible to try and avoid people putting words in my mouth or misunderstanding me. Strangely enough, I am described at the same time as “quiet.”

                The fact is that I don’t talk very often. I’d rather write or read or focus on something than speak. I really have problems with listening to idle chatter. However, when I do talk, as I said, I have a loud voice and forceful way of speaking. A boy in my history class described me well.

                “You’re so silent most of the time and then when you talk you talk so much!”

                When it rains, it pours.

                My loud voice is due to partial deafness and growing up in an environment where everyone is always yelling. I have no idea how loud I am. This also I think is why I’m not too social, people get annoyed by it.

                I like to distract myself and I am pretty good at it. It’s not just the short attention span or immaturity either. When I was a kid I was totally social and outgoing for a long time. Or I tried to be really social. But it didn’t work out. Anyways as I got older I realized how truly uninteresting and lame I found most people to be. Part of the problem was that I was just weird. I tried to play the victim and let myself hate everyone for it in my preteen years but not only did it get me nowhere, it made me very unhappy and interfered with my whole life. So I had a conversation with myself and tried to make myself understand that I was different and that I had to accept it and not hate people for it. Of course, I had trouble figuring out how not to be a total misanthropic asshole despite the fact that I just couldn’t connect with, relate to, or find almost anybody remotely interesting. I seriously like being alone. Loneliness is a totally foreign feeling to me. I could probably count the times I could remember being truly lonely on one hand.

                Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy company too if it’s good and I do really love exchanging ideas with people particularly. I just rarely find people with which I can enjoyably do that.

                Anyways, instead of hating everyone, I have found a good way to cope is escapism. I was always a voracious reader, so that was a good tool. And music. And then I started writing, which is even better.

                I am pretty oblivious to a lot of the time. My ADD is awful and my situational awareness is just as bad. I think that’s the thing that gets me into the majority of the trouble I experience. I’m a totally slob, too, which does not help. But I’m mellow most of the time, though people would tell you differently.

                I have a lot of lame habits. I’m obsessed with my skin, for instance. The hair on my legs, bumps on my arms, zits on my face. I’ll search forever sometimes. That’s more due to the OCD. I’ve always had some habit like that. As I mentioned in my past journal, before it was the skin it was sucking my thumb.

    I go through musical obsessions which can last a long time. First it was The Spice Girls. Then the Ramones. Then My Chemical Romance. Then David Bowie. Then Stevie Nicks. I go through obsessions with other things, like movies, shows, books, etc. But those don't last as long. My lifelong obsession has been history. I think my obsession with history helps feul my obsession with rock and roll: It has very appealing history.

                I spend way too much time on the internet. Everyone does these days, but I take it to extremes sometimes. My mom is worse, but that’s not saying much. And I love to write. It’s not a hobby: It’s a habit, a compulsion. I also crack my knuckles a lot. Not good.

                I’m pretty anxious a lot. Sometimes it’s just pent up energy, but yeah, I think a lot of my habits are due to that as well. And I’m bored easily.

                Another habit I have is walking at night around my back yard. My dog Lance comes with me and it’s really something special and beautiful. I have my ipod in and it’s great because I know I can dance around and lip synch and go crazy out there in this wide open space if I want to without worrying about being embarrassed or bothering anyone. A person can be themselves at night. It’s so free.

                I stare off into space a lot as well.

                My most frequent habit is talking to myself. It freaks people out, which I totally understand. But it’s ok, I know he’s not really real.

                So yeah. Moods and habits: These are the ones I have.

I'm not going to sleep tonight
Have you ever known something like that?
Known that a weary expanse of time was before you?
That your world would be dark and silent as everyone sleeps?
That every move you make could have a consequence?
That the consequence would be inflicting your discomfort on someone else?
It spreads like a disease, waking the sleeping
And there is worry, worry about each other
Worry about yourself
There is shame in knowing you have destroyed someone else's dreamland
The dreamland of someone you care about, most likely
And there are the itchy eyes
The weary muscles
And the wish to go to sleep not granted
Not by any star, not by any blue fairy
And you know it's all just a story
And the monotony infiltrates it all
No inspiration, no diversion
The dark loses its romance and mystery
And it becomes that annoying friend you never liked
And you can turn the light on (if it doesn't wake the others)
But it won't change
And the sunrise is depressing, because you know the night was wasted
Even though all through the night, you've wanted it to end
I'm not going to sleep tonight.

Seriously. That's all I want to do right now. Yet my inspiration is limited. I have no idea what to put to the keys, to the paper. It's mind-boggling to have an urge like this with no real substance to put down. One of my favorite quotes ever is "I love taking about nothing, it's the only thing I know anything about." I live my life by this quote. But do I like to write about nothing? I don't know. It seems like a waste. I have enough energy to talk about nothing until the end of time. Writing about it is a different matter. You could say that since I talk a lot through the computer, I am in fact writing and therefore do write about nothing often and enjoy it. It's a bit strange, isn't it? Nothing is strange.

There is this giant hole in the Universe, and it's a big hole of absolutely nothing. Literally, nothing. And apparently it's thousands of light years wide. I read about it some months ago when someone brought it up in a chat room. I have trouble imagining it. Seriously, think about it: Nothing.

Are you picturing it?

You might be picturing white. Endless white. Or endless black. You might be thinking of anti-matter. You might be picturing the word NOTHING. You might not be picturing anything in your head and just reading these words, waiting for the inevitable conclusion because. If you're doing that, it's because you've figured it out before I have, the inevitable conclusion that I've come to. The conclusion is basically this: You can't picture nothing, can you? Because if you picture white, well, white is not nothing. It's white. White is something. If you're picturing Black, the same rules apply, don't they. And the word NOTHING. The word is there. It is something. What does anti-matter look like? Well, anti-matter is technically something, isn't it? It's not nothing. It's just the opposite of matter. It's anti-particles of electrons with positive charges and protons with negative charges.





That's a picture of anti-matter, supposedly. The blue is the anti-matter. Or is it the black? How to tell, exactly? But both things are there. They exist. They are something. There is no nothing.


The conclusion? Is it that there is no nothing? Really? It seems fantastic to think of, there being no nothing. Here is the funny thing about this: We can't imagine there being no nothing. But can we actually imagine nothing?

We can't.

We try. We try to imagine nothing. But we can't. We see something, no matter what. We smell something, even if we don't realize it. We touch something, we can even feel something at all times even if we don't think we do. We might be unconscious, or we've trained ourselves to being so insensitive that we just don't really feel it. But we're touching it. We're touching air, seat, ground, objects, solids, liquids, gases.



Can we taste nothing? No. We can't. Even if we don't eat or drink, even with our mouths closed, we can't truly taste nothing. We taste the insides of our mouths, the bacteria in our mouths, the saliva, the flesh, the teeth, the gums, the cheeks. We taste it. But we don't think of it as annything. We stick out our toungues and taste air and don't think of it as tasting anything. But we're not tasting nothing. We never taste nothing.

Hearing nothing? Oh, we can't do that. Even silence, our ears tell us there is silence, thus we hear the silence. We do not hear nothing, we just don't hear anything we truly recognize as a sound. We never hear nothing.

Is nothing relative? So many times you could say, "I don't see/hear/taste/feel/smell anything!" In so many situations. You could even say, "I see/hear/taste/feel/smell nothing!" But is that true? Really true?

We can clear our minds, not think, draw a blank. But are we thinking nothing? Not really. Conscious thought may be silent, but there is some effort that has to go into a blank mind. Your body is still working. The body can't exist without the mind. So your mind is working. When you sleep, you dream and your mind is at work doing things it can't do when you're awake. And when you're awake and you're mind is blank, is your conscious thought process doing nothing?

Is that nothing?

The lack of action?

Or is your conscious thought process working on keeping that blank? Is that blankness, lack of words or pictures or sounds or ideas in your head in fact a thought in itself?

It is. Because that blankness is there. That blank is something.

And your dreams? That is your subconscious using your conscious mind. It's images, dimensions in your head. There is activity.

But absence of activity, is that nothing?

If I were to stop typing, put my hands in my lap and sit still, totally relaxed, would that be nothing? Would my hands be doing nothing?

Not really. They would not be moving, sure. But they would be staying still. Staying still is, in fact, doing something.

So it's not nothing.

Lack of activity is staying still, thus it is not doing nothing, but something.

So we've ruled out things, senses, thoughts and activity. None of which can be in a state of nothing.

Can we say that nothing does not exist, then?

Ah, but isn't that the state of nothing? Nonexistance? Not being? Well then, doesn't that contradict itself? Or does it furfill itself? For if it does not exist, then isn't it in fact, nothing? So nothing must exist, right? So therefore, nothing can't be nothing. It's something. So nothing can't exist.

Can we say that nothing is nothing?

But the idea of nothing exists, doesn't it? That we can be sure of. We know because it is in our heads. The idea of nothing. The concept. Not the actual thing though.

So, maybe nothing is just an idea. So therefore it does exist. And therefore, nothing is not nothing.

Definition of Nothing:


So here is basically it: Nothing is a flexible, relative concept that can't be applied at all in a literal, definite, and fully truthful sense. It can mean many things in different areas, but it is fully an abstract. It is not anything that can truly be as it is meant to be. It is in fact a thing, and therefore a contradiction of itself. It can only be used in a relative aspect and not applied in a complete and genuine sense. But I'm still wrong about this. And right as well.

Nothing is a lie.

Nothing is an idea.

Nothing is a falsehood.

It is a circle, a cycle.

There is no conclusion to it.

You can talk about it and write about it forever. You can stop and end doing so, but you can't finish it. You can't come to a final and true and definite conclusion about it.

Nothing is Science.

Science, even it's laws, can't by technically be proved (I learned this in Biology) it can only be disproved and not be disproved. If an idea or concpet goes long enough without being disproved, it is dubbed a theory. And if it goes long enough after that without being disproved, it is dubbed a law. And we follow these ideas to form other ones, we accept them, until they are disproved.

(That's really true, too, my biology teacher taught us that, and he had a Ph.D)

Nothing is different from other concepts in that it is an idea that is just so easily and quickly contradicted that any idea that is made about it does have a chance to be accepted or believed. There is no time. We just go around and around. There can be no laws, no beliefs, no theories, because no idea about the term has the time to be accepted or explored before a new factor comes up that contradicts the first idea.

There is no end to it. No end. Or is there?

The end of nothing? It can't be true.

Supposedly the opposite of nothing is something. Would the end of nothing be the creation of something? (Disregarding the above musings) Here is more evidence that supports that nothing really can't be ended.

I give you, the Biblical Creation Story, Genesis Chapters 1, verses 1-19, Hebrew to English text version.

1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
2 Now the earth was unformed and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep; and the spirit of God hovered over the face of the waters.
3 And God said: 'Let there be light.' And there was light.
4 And God saw the light, that it was good; and God divided the light from the darkness.
5 And God called the light Day, and the darkness He called Night. And there was evening and there was morning, one day.
6 And God said: 'Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.'
7 And God made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament; and it was so.
8 And God called the firmament Heaven. And there was evening and there was morning, a second day.
9 And God said: 'Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear.' And it was so.
10 And God called the dry land Earth, and the gathering together of the waters called He Seas; and God saw that it was good.
11 And God said: 'Let the earth put forth grass, herb yielding seed, and fruit-tree bearing fruit after its kind, wherein is the seed thereof, upon the earth.' And it was so.
12 And the earth brought forth grass, herb yielding seed after its kind, and tree bearing fruit, wherein is the seed thereof, after its kind; and God saw that it was good.
13 And there was evening and there was morning, a third day.
14 And God said: 'Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days and years;
15 and let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth.' And it was so.
16 And God made the two great lights: the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night; and the stars.
17 And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth,
18 and to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness; and God saw that it was good.
19 And there was evening and there was morning, a fourth day

[Source]

Ok, so, this covers Christianity and Judiaism, and as many people know, the parallels between this Creation story and the ones of countless other religions (ones which predated and coexisted with the sculpting of Judeo-Christian beliefs) are freakishly similar. This could be due to universal divine inspiration towards the universal truth. However, though I am not an Atheist, I lean more towards the ideas that ideas were consciously passed around and borrowed by different religious leaders in order to increase conversion statistics and inspire more belief among people. It's not that I'm trying to say those who came up with these stories were bad or unholy, you could also say they were being open-minded and accepting and above all, smart.

Anyways, my point is there are a multitude of Creation stories more or less like the one of Judeo-Christian Scripture. And one common theme I've seen (and I have read a lot of different creation stories, PROMISE), is the idea of a God or Gods creating the world and creatures. A lot of them from various materials (which somehow already existed even though technically, this is supposed to be the creation of everything). This creation story speaks of the Earth being "unformed and void." Well, then, it existed in that form, so technically, it was something, and therefore, there was not nothing. And technically, there was God (or the Gods), and God (or the Gods) in these stories exist, and therefore are not nothing. And there was the darkness in this story which God created light to separate from. The light was day and the darkness God called night. So therefore, the dark was there, and the dark was something. So therefore, there was not nothing. Even before creation, there was not nothing. There was God (or the Gods), the dark, and the unformed void that became Earth.

This is not a rant against the Bible, either. Not at all. While I am not a believer in Creationism, I am not saying that God did not create the Earth or that this story is not a valid concept or lesson from which to gain understanding of our world and any Deity we might have. This whole discussion that I have just made is based on the idea od the Creation story in the Bible being at least somewhat true. Thus I am not saying it is definitely not true. I am not even really questioning or discussing the nature of Creation or God and am making no judgements about either. I am talking about the concept of nothing and relating it to terms of religious (particularly Judeo-Christian) ideas and beliefs. I am merely making a point using other beliefs. The first part of this journal speculated on nothing in terms that had nothing to do with God. They are secular in their process. I was just trying to make the same point from speculation that is not secular, so that I have a well rounded and more relatable process of thinking.

Basically this is me trying to appeal to different set of beliefs.

And for the record, I believe in God. A genderless, multi-faceted omnipotent being that loves and cares about the human race that purposely sends different messages in order to touch different people suiting the personalities and souls It (God) gave them, because God wanted a world full of beings that are all different, all in Its image, and for us to be in Its image, we must all be different, so each of us can represent a different part of God's multidimensional personality. And God purposely gave us free will and different belief systems so we could connect to the supernatural in a way to suit us as we are. But I digress. I am rambling.

Anyways, back to nothing.

So we have secular and religious thinking processes which support the idea that there truly can't be nothing. But that in itself is a contradiction. And so therefore, I go back in a circle to what I said: Nothing is a relative, abstract, contradictory idea that can not be applied to anything truly and completely, and not even to itself. It is a contradiction, an idea that can have no true conclusion made about itself, at least not by human minds. You can stop speculating, talking, writing and/or thinking about it, but you can never finish with a real conclusion. Or maybe you can. Because after all, am I not concluding something by saying so? But I am not even sure of that because I just contradicted that idea. So maybe I'm right. But I'm wrong if I definitely think so. You can apply it in order to make conclusions about other things, but not about nothing itself.

It appears an endless cycle.

But I can't type and blog forever about nothing.

"I love talking about nothing, it's the only thing I know anything about."

But I don't know anything about it. Or do I?

I've contradicted myself multiple times in this journal. In many different ways. I can't be sure.

When I started this journal, I thought I was going to end up writing a poem. I've been making this up as I go along. I guess the joke's on me. I don't know myself too well. I plan on improving that.

In the end, here is something to take comfort in: No matter what, you are definitely not nothing. Everybody is something.

Project Beautiful Warts and All Project Entry #2: Mental Profile.

I am very sensitive when it comes to this sort of thing because I have been diagnosed with a few problems by my doctors which sound pretty run of the mill. I have been profiled as a patient of Depression, Attention Deficit Disorder, Chronic Insomnia and, most recently, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Lots of people are pretty dismissive of these sorts of things. Everyone these days seems to be depressed and ADD, and how many people claim to have OCD? And Insomnia? Everyone has trouble sleeping, right?

                It’s this sort of thing that kept me from helping myself. ADD, well, that I was diagnosed with years ago and I’ve been taking medication for it since I was eight years old. The Insomnia has been a problem since I went through puberty and so has the depression. My Mother has been sending me to shrinks since I was eight. Depression runs in my family. But I denied having “real” depression. I didn’t want to take meds. I figured it was just growing pains and I wasn’t going to be some whiny, over-dramatic “emo-kid.” There were people with worse problems.

                I refused to take meds and admit to myself that I actually had a problem with depression. Every time I entertained the idea I was embarrassed for being a self-centered stereotypical teenage girl who thinks she has the world’s worst life. I had loving parents, a great older sister, we were upper middle class and I had every opportunity and luxury any person could want. I had no right to be depressed. No right. I just decided I was a spoiled teenage girl whose constant nervous problems, floods of inexplicable anger and despair and crying fits were rooted in a lack of discipline and grasp of reality. I hated myself for being so pathetic.

                It took me a while to even really discuss it. But finally, after I stopped growing and changing, when things around me were settling, my feelings didn’t change. No matter how hard I tried, I was still angry. I was still upset. I still couldn’t sleep. I was still crying. My mother thought I was bi-polar. WTF? I hated myself for all of it. How dare I not be happy, productive, normal? What had I ever been denied? I had a good life and I didn’t appreciate it. I even began to believe I was sent to this world to make my parents miserable and to destroy things.

                As for the OCD, I refused to believe it. I was embarrassed by it, but I couldn’t stop picking and scratching at myself. I was humiliated when someone told me to stop or asked me what I was doing. I just couldn’t stop though. But I didn’t have OCD. One of the doctors said I didn’t. But I lied when I took the evaluation, sitting on my hands so I wouldn’t look for bumps on my arms, shoulders and legs to pick at. I was obsessed. I was gross. I was awful.

                Eventually, my new shrink (I had seen and hated so many, but this one is wonderful) coaxed me out of it. I began to have to acknowledge these things. I opened up. I took some anti-depressants, but they didn’t help. But I still felt better, opening up. I started venting and started trying to live more in reality. I’m better. I eventually got to the point where I admitted I had a problem with compulsion as well. My eyebrows were ravaged because I could not stop plucking them. And it was not just eczema that caused those bumps, welts and scars on my skin. I had to admit that there was a reason that it took me until I was ten to stop sucking my thumb, after which I immediately replaced with my skin fixation. I couldn’t live without obsessing.

I’m starting on a new anti-depressant now called Fluvox, which my doctor gave me to combat my OCD and I can’t get over how relieved I am to have it out in the open and finally being active in combating that. I can triumph over this. This is how I am. I can accept that now. But I can work to live through it.

                That being said, my whole mental profile is not as embarrassing. The fact is, I am intelligent. People know that, from special medical and educational tests to people I meet to people who read my blog. I am very smart. My tests from my doctors and educational boards have shown that I have intellectual gifts. People know I am smart. I know I am smart, though not as smart as some people think I am. But I am proud of my intellectual capabilities nonetheless.

                It taught myself to read at age three and by first grade was reading at a high school level. I was speaking extremely early and could speak in correct sentences very early as well, knowing vocabulary and structure. My mother loves to tell the story of how at eight months old I sat on her boss’s lap and grabbed her scarf saying, “Hmmm, pretty… very pretty.”

I discovered my gift for writing much later, in sixth grade, and discovered my love for it as well. Before, I hated to write and loved to read. Now I love both.

That being said, I can be immature and impulsive. I have trouble sometimes accepting things and my work ethic is questionable. But I am working at it and getting better.

This is very simple, and this has very few words.

Nick Jonas, 15


Miley Cyrus, 15

Joe Jonas, 18

Britney Spears, at age 18

Zac Efron, 20

Christina Aguilera, at age 20

Justin Timberlake, 27

Nicole Scherzinger, 29

What here was "ok"? What here was not "ok"?

Done.

I've often looked at intolerance. The history of it, the possible future of it, the present state of it now. It perplexes me why someone could hate another person for simply being who they. I've asked all my life why people could be so heartless and ignorant. Many people have told me it is fear. But while that definitely contributes to it, I think the truest answer has come from my father.

"People are intolerant of others because they are insecure about themselves."

Well, there you have it. Whether you're being intolerant because it follows the status quo or you're fostering your own inner hatred, it's really you being embarrassed or ashamed of yourself. Being too insecure of yourself to break from the mold or too insecure to look at someone who is different without equating difference with right vs wrong.

Here's the thing, most people I know would agree with this. But it stops there. Why don't we ever do something about the cause of this? Why don't we try to learn to feel secure and proud of ourselves so as not to think "Well, they're different, so they must be wrong. Definitely, that has to be bad. Because if that's not, I'm the one who's bad. Let me hate them for making me doubt myself!"

We need to not just stress tolerance and love of what is different. Don't get me wrong, I'm not preachig relativism. I am just saying their needs to be something more than just telling each other to love one another. You can tell a person to love people, but you can't make them.

In religion class we were taught the Bible's teaching on how to truly love a person. There are three key ingredients to love. 1) You have to include belief in your love of another person 2) You have to love the person for who they are, not who you wish they could be and 3) You have to love yourself.

We have to learn to love and be secure with ourselves, proud of who we are and we have to feel free to say so without being afraid of being called narcissistic or vain. But we have to know why we love ourselves. And we have to be proud of that and get it out in the open. Now, my project may help with that, but I wanted to do something outside the project curriculum to merely boost my own ability to love. I am going to express who I am and say I'm proud of it and that I love myself for it.

So here it goes:

I am a white, heterosexual, American female, age 17, and I am proud of it. I am a product of a priveledged upbringing and proud of it. I am a brown-eyed brunette and proud of it. I am of italian and polish heritage and proud of it. I am from Virginia and proud of it. I am a writer and proud of it. I am non-affiliated believer in God raised in a bi-religious household that practiced Catholicism and was secularly jewish and I am proud of it. I am a left wing roots conservative non-democrat non-republican American and proud of it. I am Wendy and proud of it.

I LOVE YOU ALL.

Ok, done.

dis·claim·er play_w2("D0256000") (ds-klmr)

It has occurred to me that this project does and can deal with some psychological and emotional hardships. And though I am more than pleased by the enthusiatic responses to it, I do wish, in the best interests of myself and everyone participating, to make the following statements.

I am not a doctor. I am not a therapist, psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, counselor or any sort of trained professional, nor am I licensed in any way. I am not even a high school graduate, but a rising senior, and seventeen year old surburban-raised girl. This is a summer project on self esteem I created which, while I am supportive of, can not make any guarantees of. I advise any person participating who has felt any significant emotional changes, whether positive of negative, to consult about this project with a therapist, counselor, doctor, family member, friend or any trusted person. I also advise that you let people you trust know that you are doing this, and if you are experiencing any significant emotional or psychological trauma since starting this, to not rely on this project and take outside help. I would also like to state that this project is strictly voluntary, with almost no restrictions, deadline, obligations or pressures whatsoever. You participate on your own terms and wishes. The website, company and people associated with buzznet.com as well as myself and other project members are not to be held  responsible for any damages, traumas, issues or implications experienced by any individual or group of party participators. The above mentioned are not to be penalized or approached with any legal or business actions involving this project or persons participating. All members submitting entries referencing or mentioning or tagged with this project and it's guidelines  (including but not limited to people who make posts added to the group, users who comment on entries, or members of the Project Beautiful Warts and All Group) acknowledge this and promise they will take full responisibility for their participation and the affects of it and will not seek any legal action againt myself, other project members, or the company and employees of buzznet.com.

All people who do not wish to submit to this are advised to remove their already posted entries from buzznet or remove all references, tags, and added groups associated with Project Beatiful Warts and All by a week from the posting of their last project entry, and refrain from making any more related entries. Those who do so should note that any later added related entries will enter themselves once again into this agreement. Those who enter later and neglect to read this agreement (which will be posted in the forum, the group main page, be sent to all new members, and be sent as a repeated reminder in all group messages, can not hold myself, buzznet.com, or anyone associated with Project Beautiful Warts and All liable for any personal problems and are held to this agreement regardless of their refusal to read the agreement.

Signed,

Wendy Anne "Wendy Notsid" Weissman

No lie. This guy was like, bffs with Mussolini. And I am related to him in one of the following ways:

 

1) Great Grand Niece

2) Great Great Grand Niece

3) Fourth Cousin

4) Great Great Granddaughter

 

I just found out.

 

See, I was writing this letter to my grandmother and considered mentioning her maiden name, D'Annunzio. And I was thinking about how she was the source of my Italian heritage when this old memory of this project my sister did about eight or nine years ago on our family tree. She interviewed my grandmother and asked her if we were related to anyone famous and my grandma had given some vague answer about a relation to some famous poet. I have no idea why, but it just popped into my head. Anyways, I google the name "D'Annunzio"

 

MAJOR hittage.

 

Apparently, this guy, Gabriele D'Annunzio was this extremely famous author in Italian Literature and was a mentor to Mussolini.

 

For some reason, I had never heard of him before.

 

So I was on the phone with my dad a little while ago and asked him,

 

Dad: "Yep! I know. I've known for years"

Me: "He's a famous writer though, why didn't you tell me?"

Dad: “Well, with your grandmother, there’s some doubt with his legacy. The family doesn’t really like to talk about it because he was a big fascist, not the nicest person in the world. This guy was BIG buddies with Mussolini”

Ok, so there was still a LITTLE doubt in my mind because my family’s records are not totally perfect so I took a look at some pictures. Yeah, our eyes are similar in shape.

THIS IS SO WEIRD

This is the first entry in regards to what I discussed in the last journal I did.

I have decided to call this project. Beautiful: Warts and All

Notes: To all people participating in this project, you do NOT have to do your entries just like mine, even if you choose to do them in journal form. This is just an example of a way to do it. I don't plan on following this format in every journal, either. Also, as I said, any person who wants to do this should do it through their own medium. Take a photo or draw a picture and be as metaphorical and omitting as you want. This is just how I am doing this particular entry. You can look at whatever part of you that you want, in any way you want, and express it in any way. You don't have to mention or add parts I have and you can talk about or show any detail in this category you want.

Many of you may find this journal extremely vain, superficial, self-centered, and shallow and in many ways, you could be right. However, this appearance focused entry is one of many journals that explore my identity and is in the context of a spanning project, most of which has nothing to do with physical appearance. It's just one part. I chose this category because it's something most people analyze anyway, and I wanted to start with something easy and relatable. It may sound arrogant, but everything is supposed to sound positive. I am supposed to find a silver lining to everything as well as mention the things I like about myself.

A reminder as to the nature of this project:

This is a series of journals, and each one is dedication a different section or major category of what makes up my personal identity (sections like physical appearance, sexual identity, political views, great joys and downers, etc)., In each I analyze my characteristics that belong in each category, whether they be negative or positive characteristics. And while I will celebrate my qualities, I will also be talking about my failing or flaws. I will try to find a positive light to throw them in (strange unexpected and odd perks, or reasons for optimism, or goals to fix them). The goal of each journal would be for me to increase my self esteem in the category of the journal and step by step, make peace with and find true appreciation for myself on my own terms. and I want to expand it beyond myself, I want to start a trend or group or movement on buzznet of people doing similar analyses and reflections on themselves, but through their own art medium, because I realized how messed up it was that I was worrying so much about the amount of comments on my blog and that I was too dependent on other people's praise. And, luckily, it turns out I'm not the only one on buzznet like that. Basically I’d want this to be a project people could freely participate in on their own terms, trying to build true self confidence on their own encouragement in a similar fashion of self-analysis, but through their own artistic mediums.


Part I: Physical Appearance





My name is Wendy.

I am 17, with dark brown hair and eyes and pale skin. I am 5 feet, 6 and a half inches tall and 136 lbs.

But that's just a basic outline.

MY HAIR: Shoulder-length, dark brown, wavy. Whether it is a positive or negative part of my looks depends on the day. On bad days, it will look like I never brushed it no matter how much I do so or how much product I use. On good days it falls right into place. It has a tendency to fall flat. I tried flat ironing a few times and people seemed to like how that looked.





However, I did not much enjoy the process of putting burning metal to my head and put the iron aside. Sure, my hair may never look like Ashlee Simpson's, but at least I don't have to wait for anything to heat up before doing my hair. I instead prefer to use a brush and hairspray on my head. And I end up with a sort of 70's quasi-feathered brushed back thing, only less ostentatious (thank god) and more modern looking.








That's enough about my hair.

MY FACE: I'm going to have to break this down.

My Nose: I HATE my nose. It's too round and weird looking. Positive side: Most of my relatives have the same nose, only much bigger, so it's not as big as it could be.




My Eyes: Dark brown, big. And people like them a lot. I like them a lot, and for much of my life have considered them my best feature.  The only downside is that I am incredibly near-sighted. I had to wear glasses for years (which I hated). But now I have nice, soft, comfy contact lenses. Which is good, because I like my eyes.

Eyebrows: Uneven and overplucked. But they'll grow back.

My Mouth: I like my lips. End of story. They're large, pouty, and bow-shaped (NATURALLY BITCHES!!!!). My teeth however, are another story. It took two years of orthodontic welding to cure a massive over-bite and gap brought about by my years of--- Well, I'll get to that later. Anyways, years of either beaver or metal-esque teeth dimmed my appreciation for my mouth most of my life and it's still hard for me to smile without feeling self-conscious. My teeth still have the tendency to look rather yellow, but as long as I don't drink coffee, they look ok.




My Upper Lip: Ok, so this is something I'm rather sensitive about. But you see, though my Italian genes did give me my lips (cha-ching!) they also gave me this other rather infamous trait often attributed to Italians and other Mediterranean people. This being a slight bit of dark hair around the top corners of my mouth. Most of the time it's not very noticeable, but under certain lighting, I look like Shirley Henderson's character in Intermission. (I totally would give you guys a picture, but I can't get a good one. I swear I'd show you if I could).



Shirley Henderson in Intermission (look closely):




Thankfully, waxing and bleaching exists, and it's less noticeable than hers.

My Skin: Ok, so probably my least favorite thing about myself. I am pale, I used to tan easily, but not anymore, and I burn easily. I am also afflicted with Eczema, an inflammation of the skin which often can leave scars, welts, zits, and other unpleasant things on your skin and can itch like Hell. I can be a dermatological nightmare, my skin being sensitive to all sorts of treatments, lotions, shaving creams, and soaps and easily tear able. That, along with other aspects of my person I plan to get to in another journal, causes me to pick at it and scratch constantly, leaving bigger scars and marks. It particularly affects my legs and shoulders. Needless to say, the constant need to touch my skin makes my social behavior a little weird at times (again, I will get to that in another journal).



Legs:





The Silver Lining to this? It can lighten up, because I've got some new medication that I think will definitely help. (More on that later)

In addition to that, I have stretch marks on my thighs. Not fun. At one point I had a staph infection and they were pretty nasty.


The good news? They've faded dramatically over the last few years and are almost unnoticeable now. I can wear a normal bathing suit now, at least, hooray!

As for my face, I am particularly prone to breakouts around my forehead, eyebrows, and chin, and the blackheads on my nose like to constantly stop by for unwanted visits. But, thanks to some friends over at Proactiv, I can keep it pretty under control now. (Except at certain times of the month)


My Body: This has no doubt been the part you guys were waiting for, eh?

Ok, I'll admit it, I do frequently have moments of insecurity about my weight and I am not as active as I used to be, nor as I should be. I used to work out constantly, playing basketball and soccer and taking two dance classes a week. After I stopped that I ran four miles a day or went onto the elliptical machine for an hour. That screwed up my sleep schedule like whoa. But even then I still had a bit of unwanted pudge around my thighs and stomach that WON'T GO AWAY.









I used to pay a lot of attention to my weight until I did some research and found out a) that your weight does not affect how good you look (literally and figuratively) and b) that my cholesterol was high even when I was active. Health became my primary concern then. However, when it came to terms in figure, I would start to feel insecure, comparing myself to a bunch of girls in school. It became clear to me that I was wider than they were in some areas, something which bothered me for a while. That was until I learned about a certain someone.



She seemed way more beautiful and sexy to me than many of the supposedly beautiful stick-thin chicks I saw in magazines. And I then started reading some of the tabloids and fashion magazines and became aware of how stupid and unrealistic many of these standards of beauty were. I had always liked the dimples on my butt and my love handles. They reminded me of my Shirley Temple doll. So I stopped thinking about that so much. Besides, it occurred to me that it seemed kind of weird anybody would be attracted to somebody as thin as Paris Hilton sexually. Wouldn't they be afraid of crushing her? I became more into measurements than weight. I also noticed my gorgeous sister, Sarah is not built like a stick insect either, but she has an amazing body and is very athletic and guys really like her. When it comes to Dita Von Teese, I know she has a freakishly tiny waist and a low weight, but that doesn't bother me. It's her shape, which is somewhat like mine, and that's all that matters when dealing with appearance. I think it's beautiful. I've done my measurements periodically and found my body chemistry doesn't allow me to go out of proportion and though I frequently still feel insecure about my body and my weight, I have come to terms with my figure and I know that I have a good body, butt dimples (GLORIOUS BUTT DIMPLES), love handles (GLORIOUS LOVE HANDLES), belly pudge, fat thighs and all.



My Expressions (Facial): Ok, probably my second least favorite aspect of all is my expression. This is not something nature bestowed upon me, but which came from years of reading and refusing to smile and expose my weird teeth. I have a rather somber, serious expression etched into my face that falls into place whenever I am not actively showing emotion and as a result, can look way more upset than I actually am. Often times, I am thought to be far more angry or excited about something than I actually am and have difficulty conveying to people that I am perfectly calm when they seem to think otherwise. And I fear that this has also infiltrated into other aspects of my manner, something I'll get to later. At the same time, since my braces came off and I have made the discovery of the delights of my mouth, I have slowly become more at ease smiling and I plan to try and show the sunnier side of myself. I think if I work had enough, I can definitely fix this learned look of negativity.







Limbs: I have unnaturally long legs and arms (especially with the arms) which can look rather weird what with my rather large, square shoulders. They are, however, extremely flexible and I do like the fact that my legs are pretty long. However, like every woman, I have to shave my legs, and the alarming speed at which the hair on my legs grows makes me ill sometimes. While my thighs are pudgier than I would like them to be, my lower legs are nicely shaped and I have good ankles. My arms, prone to the same skin problems as my legs with a diminished severity, can twist 360 degrees. Great parlor trick.




Hands: I don't like my hands too much. I have short, pudgy, fat fingers and very brittle nails. I can't often wear rings as a result. At the same time, they completely redeem themselves for the fact that they are the appendages which I write through. On the ring finger of my right hand I have developed a hard curious bump. Not a positive or negative thing, but interesting enough for me to note.





Feet: They're feet. Years of Ballet, Tap, and Jazz Dance classes have rendered the bottoms one of the few places on my body where my skin is tough (REALLY tough. Like glass-doesn't-break-the-skin tough).





Makeup: Ok, so also not a natural thing. I know I'm not ugly. And usually I don't think I am. The fact is, though, that while some people may not need makeup to feel beautiful, I do sometimes. Here's the thing, some days, I can't go all natural and feel beautiful. And though I don't feel necessarily ugly on those days if I don't wear makeup, I don't feel very beautiful either.

Me Without Makeup:






I don't feel the constant need to wear it. Not to feel beautiful, either. Sometime I do, sometimes I don't. And no doubt I would never say that another girl with my looks would need it. In fact, nobody really needs it. But it's different in a personal perspective. Sure, maybe I don't really need makeup, there are some days that I don't feel that I do, but that doesn't change the fact that I do occasionally feel 100 times better about my looks when I wear it. I like this picture of me more than I like the one above, certainly





The fact is, I like my lips, and I want people to notice them. I don't feel like I'm faking anything because while my lips are not that color naturally, anyone with a brain can tell you that. I don't try to make you believe it's that color when I wear lipstick. We both know the color isn't real. But I do want you to notice the shape of my lips more, a shape which IS natural. And sure, maybe my eyelashes are not that long naturally, but we know that. I just want you to see the size and shape of my eyes themselves, which are natural. I don't try to hide the fact that I wear it, not seeing the point in trying to look "natural" by applying liquids that make me look different. I wear makeup that, while not being fake looking or completely masking, does not hide the fact that it is makeup. I don't hide it. And I'm not going to pretend I always feel great about my looks without makeup. The fact is I don't wear much makeup at all. Normally just Merlot lipstick and Mascara.







And sure, on days wear I break out, I do sometimes cover things up, applying base:





But you know what? I don't feel too guilty about it. I don't do it very often, even when I break out, and I am not afraid of my zits. It's just a normal thing for me to do when my skin gets so inflamed I look like I have leprosy (It happens).

But you know what? I don't wear too much. And you know what else? I am not afraid to admit that sometimes, I DO need makeup to feel beautiful. And there is something in that, at least.

My idea for a project for this summer is this series of journals, and each one is dedication a different section or major category of what makes up my personal identity (sections like physical appearance, sexual identity, political views, great joys and downers, etc)., In each I analyze my characteristics that belong in each category, whether they be negative or positive characteristics. And while I will celebrate my qualities, I will also be talking about my failing or flaws. I will try to find a positive light to throw them in (strange unexpected and odd perks, or reasons for optimism, or goals to fix them). The goal of each journal would be for me to increase my self esteem in the category of the journal and step by step, make peace with and find true appreciation for myself on my own terms. and I want to expand it beyond myself,  I want to start a trend or group or movement on buzznet of people doing similar analyses and reflections on themselves, but through their own art medium,  because I realized how messed up it was that I was worrying so much about the amount of comments on my blog and that I was too dependent on other people's praise. And, luckily, it turns out I'm not the only one on buzznet like that.

Basically I’d want this to be a project people could freely participate in on their own terms, trying to build true self confidence on their own encouragement in a similar fashion of self-analysis, but through their own artistic mediums.

You don't have to do this, you can always abstain from doing a category, you can do different categories at different times, and you can leave out certain characteristics if it is too personal, of course, and you can quit whenever you want. All we want is two things: 1) Don't do a category that has not already been formerly approved  and has an entry posted by me and 2)Be honest with what you DO put into your posts.



----
Before I actually started posting the first part of this, I thought I'd announce it. I'll have my first part, physical appearance, posted by tomorrowso you guys with journals have some idea what kind of structure can be applied to this.

For Danielle

Julia has been "dying" for a long time
Recently it seemed so real
We have had so many scares
But this time it seemed so final
But she's not dead yet
I've been so grateful
While I've been waiting
I've forgotten

Were you waiting
As I had waited?
Or did this come so sudden?
Did you feel it coming?
Her death, but not the way?
Strokes are so abrupt
I know, because I've seen them
But did you prepare for her to go?

Oh, but no one can "prepare"
It's a shock
Foreseen or not
And it hurts all the same
Were you close throughout your life?
Did she make you Jello?
Was she funny?
And did she love your birthday?

I can't fathom your emotions
Under such circumstances
The isolation
I can't imagine
I am here now
Though I was not then
All I want to do right now
Is hug you and make sure you're not alone

We are always hundred of miles apart
But frequently seperated by less than seconds
I was not when you reached out
When you needed me
But now
Here I am
Please don't leave
Don't face this alone

You're wonderful
I love you
No doubt she was wonderful as well
Any part of you means so much
You are never ever gone
And I love her for being part of you
I want to cry with you
Don't face this alone

I have no more words
Only me
Not enough I know
I can't offer you much more
But some know better
And say it better too
This is all I can think of
As of now I cease to babble


"hi hello wake from thy sleep
God has given your soul to keep
all of the power that burns in the flame
ignites the light in a single name

name of care
fast asleep in a room somewhere
guardian angels [line a bed]
shed their light on my sleepy head

I am a threshold yearning to sing
down with the the dancers having one last fling
here's to the moment when you said hello
come on my spirit are you ready let's go

hi hi hey hey
maybe I will come back some day now
but tonight on the wings of a dove
up above to the land of love"

I love you Danielle. I am here.

If a person makes a page and half long journal about a particular issue, and bases part of the inspiration for it off something said by one person, does not mean they are condemning that person or their personal ideals.

Seriously, I was just reading some of my old journals and comments, and I noticed several times where I might have quoted or mentioned one person, I suddenly got scores of people pissed off at me for mentioning them and looking at something they might have said or done in a way that was not laudatory. In turn, even if I said things in that very blog that are quite to the contrary, I got accusations of shitting on them as a person, people who make similar lifestyle choices, or their entire ideals.

Even if the reference I make is maybe a paragraph out of a three page blog where, after clearly stating that I am not stating that this person or their beliefs are bad/stupid/wonderful/right/wrong etc, I go on to discuss a much broader topic that only partially delves into the earlier reference I made for introduction or inspiration purposes only. Even if I am actually stating that my true unhappiness is not directed towards the person but actually the public's perception of it, or public opinion as a whole, somehow I am immediately despoiling the name and shitting on one person or their entire lifestyle. Even if I contradict that throughout the entire journal.

I like to explore broader topics than just what some celebrity said or did. I think it is better to search for lessons to be learned by something than to just critique one thing and not apply it to anything else. This is what we call not learning.

So, here's a deal I wish to make. if you didn't actually read the whole thing with a lsound attitude and decent consideration, please don't comment. If you're confused on something, go ahead and say it, but don't out and out accuse me of shit-talking a person or praising them just because I am interpreting something that does not run parallel to the status quo. The whole point of my writing anything really is to do the exact opposite of that. Any person reading my blog should go in knowing that. I am not a big fan of repeating other people.

That is all.

Get. Over. Yourselves.

Stop excluding people and ending friendships with people who like things you despise. Learn to coexist with people who disagree with you and like things you don't like. If you can't learn to do this, then you will never be able to function. Learn to be open minded about things. What, do you think that if you refuse to be friends with someone, then you'll end their adoration of Hannah Montana merchandise? You won't.

Dismissing every person who likes a certain thing or thinks a certain way as a moron is exactly what got the human race in this mess in the first place. You are no better than George Bush or Anne "Jews are Imperfect Christians" Coulter if you employ this sort of mentality. Learn some tolerance of other viewpoints and stop trying to stifle or belittle a person's ideas just because you don't like them and learn to look for good in others.

Stop making assumptions about a person's entire identity and mentality based on one point either. Not all Muslims are terrorists. Not all Jews love money. Not all Christians are ignorant. Not all Pro-lifers are against gay marriage and responsible sex-ed. Not all people opposed to gay marriage hate homosexuals. Not all Republicans are pro-war and not all Democrats are anti-war.

Learn to see people as people, not as type-casted characters you see on TV.

Also, stop trying continue discussions that have no conclusion. If you and another person refuse to give in, stop trying to argue a point that the person will not listen  to and drop the conversation. End it. At some point you have to let a person go about their lives in their own way, not how you want them to. It's called accpeting people for who they are.

I know this has been said a thousand times before, but I felt this needed to be said by me because sometimes, I am tired of explaining myself.