Phyllis Schlafly Mad Libs

0

Create your own Phyllis Schlafly speech!

This is from a great article on Jezebel about anti-feminist conservative activist Phyllis Schlafly. It was written by Morning Gloria and in it, you can create your own Phyllis Schlafly speech. For those of you who don't know who Phyllis Schlafly is, here's her wikipedia article. She's a batshit-insane hypocrite who has worked tirelessly to keep women from working and pursued power to insure that women never become powerful. Among her most famous quotes are "By getting married, the woman has consented to sex, and I don't think you can call it rape", "Driver's licenses are a crucial national security issue", "It is long overdue for parents to realize they have the right and duty to protect our children against the intolerant evolutionists", "Sex education classes are like in-home sales parties for abortion" and "It's very healthy for a young girl to be deterred from promiscuity by fear of contracting a painful, incurable disease, or cervical cancer, or sterility, or the likelihood of giving birth to a dead, blind, or brain-damage [sic] baby even ten years later when she may be happily married." Article:

Phyllis Schlafly is the lady Michael Jordan of hypocrisy. If there were such thing as specialized footwear worn by sayers of one thing and doers of another, they'd surely be called the Air SclaFLY and they'd be heavily advertised on Fox News. Throughout her illustrious career of growing famous and powerful by telling other women that they cannot be powerful, working full time to tell women that they should not work full time, she's said a lot of whiplash-givingly stupid things (including a turn at CPAC this past week), but a lot of those stupid things follow a fairly predictable pattern. Scientists have recently cracked The Schlafly Code, and now, for the first time, you can make your own Phyllis Schlafly speech.

zone: inside
size: 300x600
keywords: mtfIFPath=/assets/vendor/doubleclick/, origin=jezebel, visited=gawkerfront, visited=jezebelfront <a target="_blank" href="http://ad.doubleclick.net/click%3Bh%3Dv8/3aae/3/0/%2a/l%3B235663479%3B0-0%3B0%3B59473773%3B2321-160/600%3B40472859/40490646/1%3B%3B%7Eokv%3D%3Bpc%3DDFP235861646%3B%3B%7Eaopt%3D0/ff/11/ff%3B%7Efdr%3D235861646%3B0-0%3B0%3B17191808%3B4986-300/600%3B40610969/40628756/1%3B%3B%7Eokv%3D%3Bptile%3D1%3Bsz%3D300x600%3BmtfIFPath%3D/assets/vendor/doubleclick/%3Borigin%3Djezebel%3Bvisited%3Dgawkerfront%3Bvisited%3Djezebelfront%3B%7Eaopt%3D2/1/11/0%3B%7Esscs%3D%3fhttp://t.mookie1.com/t/v1/clk?migAgencyId=14&migSource=adsrv2&migTrackDataExt=1033942;59473773;235663479;40472859&migRandom=157266&migTrackFmtExt=client;io;ad;crtv&migUnencodedDest=http://www.vw.com/en.html?pageID=59473773&adID=235663479&cs:pro=vola&cs:e=gawk&cs:a:e=vw10jcjet"><img src="http://s0.2mdn.net/1033942/Static_Safety.IIHS_Jet.2011_160x600_3.gif" width="160" height="600" border="0" alt="" galleryimg="no"></a>

First, I'd like to thank my husband for allowing me to be here today. Good evening friends. I feel very (positive adjective) that I have the opportunity to come here to discuss what's (negative adjective) about feminism, that feminists are literally (violent verb)ing their children every day when they insist that men and women are equal. Feminism is the enemy of (values/God/decency/pie/cake/unicorns/babies/law) and to suggest that feminism is good for women is to suggest the very foundation of our (values/God/decency/pie/cake/unicorns/babies/law) is flawed, that our Founding Fathers didn't know what they were doing.

Feminism is (antiquated slang for "bad," like "hooey" or "poppycock"). It equates women with (barnyard animal) and it teaches our young girls that they should grow up (things that a barnyard animal does) and that this is okay. Across our great nation, women everywhere are demanding child support payments, suing business owners for sexual harassment, and demanding to fight alongside men in the military. Sexual harassment on the job is not a problem for virtuous women. Women who are sexually harassed have been (sexual verb)ing themselves by insisting they be treated like men. Child support actually harms children, because everyone knows that when you give kids money, they just buy (something crappy a kid would buy with money) with it. It also traps men into being forever bound to a woman who (tricked/deceived/magicked) them into believing they'd have access to their child. Women should not fight in the military, because that's unladylike.

Another problem caused by feminism is the proliferation of free public education in this country. Sex education classes are like in-home sales parties for abortions. Education is the (villain/enemy/Deceptacon) of freedom and love. College professors will tell you that (something that isn't having babies) is okay, and professors are wrong. Professors hate America, and public education in this country is the biggest racket since (historical debacle). They will tell you that God doesn't exist and that the way to live life is to (hedonistic behavior) all over the place, but that doesn't lead to happiness. What leads to happiness is good, Christian (verb)ing.

The greatest menace to our country besides feminism is illegal immigration. We have to secure the borders from the (nationality, plural). (Democratic politician) wants to allow (nationality, plural) to (violent crime) our children, and we have to stand up to the PC movement that's (hijacking/stealing/exploiting/donkey punching/literally burning alive) our values and our freedom to criticize liberal ideas like feminism, teaching of evolution in schools, and Sesame Street Muppets, especially (Sesame Street Muppet).

Feminism leads to more money, education, and power for women, but less happiness. Conservative women are the most liberated women in America, because of (wisdom/love/protection/Stockholm Syndrome) and we should be the sources of inspiration, not (feminists/pinkos/commies/liberals/slutterflies/whorey whorepants mcwhores/atheists/owhers of cats/those with baron wombs). I am defending the real rights of woman. A woman should have the right to stay home as a wife and mother. Not (exactly what Phyllis Schlafly has spent her career doing).

Special Bonus: Can you pick out the actual Phyllis Schlafly quotes?

My Madlib:

First, I'd like to thank my husband, Anne Coulter, for allowing me to be here today. Good evening friends. I feel very aroused about the fact that I have the opportunity to come here to discuss what's stinky about feminism, that feminists are literally water-boarding, I mean, interrogating their children every day when they insist that men and women are equal. Feminism is the enemy of Disney Princesses (except Mulan, who sucks in that way that isn't the good please your husband way that is the duty of every woman) and to suggest that feminism is good for women is to suggest the very foundation of our Washington Monument is flawed, that our Founding Fathers, like John Adams, who so rightly reminded his uppity shrew-wife of her place, didn't know what they were doing!

Feminism is bullpucky. It equates women with cows and it teaches our young girls that they should grow up being milked and that this is okay, what we should be doing is equating women with hens, so that they grow up to lay lots of eggs. Across our great nation, women everywhere are demanding child support payments, suing business owners for sexual harassment, and demanding to fight alongside men in the military. Sexual harassment on the job is not a problem for virtuous women. Women who are sexually harassed have been masturbating themselves by insisting they be treated like men. Child support actually harms children, because everyone knows that when you give kids money, they just buy Justin Bieber CDs with it. It also traps men into being forever bound to a woman who inceptioned them into believing they'd have access to their child. Women should not fight in the military, because that's unladylike.

Another problem caused by feminism is the proliferation of free public education in this country. Sex education classes are like in-home sales parties for abortions. Education is the Brutus of freedom and love. College professors will tell you that working is okay, and professors are wrong. Professors hate America, and public education in this country is the biggest racket since that time they kept those "civil wrongs" activists from getting free showers from those hoses. They will tell you that God doesn't exist and that the way to live life is to dance to Lady Gaga songs all over the place, but that doesn't lead to happiness. What leads to happiness is good, Christian use of the Rhythm Method and anal.

The greatest menace to our country besides feminism is illegal immigration. We have to secure the borders from the Mexicans. Joe Biden wants to allow Mexicans to mug our children and rob them of that money they got from those child support payments; because as we all know, child support is just a conspiracy to fund Mexican things like tacos and burritos and sombreros and all things ending in "O". We have to stand up to the PC movement that's gaying up our values and our freedom to criticize liberal ideas like feminism, teaching of evolution in schools, and Sesame Street Muppets, especially Burt and Ernie.

Feminism leads to more money, education, and power for women, but less happiness. Conservative women are the most liberated women in America, because of vagina avoidance and we should be the sources of inspiration, not chicks like Oprah. I am defending the real rights of woman. A woman should have the right to stay home as a wife and mother. Not working, going to law school, writing books and campaigning as a political and social activist.

Make your own!